i almost shut down yesterday. which is to say i almost retreated from people, which is not a good thing for me generally, but right now i am so consumed with guilt that it is hard to see past it. and, unfortunately, i am in a job where i would at least have to function within my job, which i can totally do, but i’m sure i wouldn’t be as effective, as i would shut down all the characteristics which allow me to really empathize and to put myself into the others’ shoes.
guilt has always lurked in the background. from kara’s college situation on, my ability to read and react to others has always relied on this to a point. my guilt now is being in the wrong place at the wrong time. or just not being able to be where i feel i could have done the most good. this guilt has cropped up a lot lately. i feel like i should have quit my job earlier and moved out to take care of my aunt. i feel guilty for not being able to travel when mary jane and kara’s moms died, as it was a bad time where i was taking care of someone else.
i recently acquired a bit of information that totally came unexpected. and i feel if i had been present, i could have prevented a lot of bad from happening. not that i would have been there, but if i weren’t in this job there is a chance i might have been. and i know that not being in the physical presence makes people that much harder to read. and i know that when people are truly in a bad way, they hide it and go on as if nothing is wrong, in fact sometimes making it look as though they are happier…..so i can’t feel guilty about not seeing this coming. it is only when you can see the pain in the eyes and face and tone of voice and posture that you can truly tell someone is faking it. or just getting by. but if i had been there, i’m pretty sure i would have noticed…i would at least have seen the tell-tale signs of substance abuse.
and how would i have handled that? i question that too, as i have gone from the extreme of cutting out alcohol to make a point, to doing the drugs right along with the person, just so they saw the effects. and luckily both choices worked….but am i in the state yet to have handled this as well? but i wasn’t there, so i won’t know and i can only feel guilty about letting yet another person down.
so i do what i can do, and i change my flight yet another time, and hope for the best. it sits well on top of not really knowing what this spring will hold. and many hours on a bus in “quiet time” is not a great distraction from the thoughts that ensue.